a Merc, a Spider, And a Crossover?
by D34TH B3F0R3 D15H0N0R
Summary: Deadpool and Spider-Man are thrown into the DC Universe. Watch this dysfunctional duo as they interact with some of DC's favorite characters. Ranging from Batman to the entire Justice League and some of their notorious enemies. Rated M for: Gratuitous violence, language, and possible smut later on. Updated randomly, but will be completed. No yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

Peter Parker was having a bad day. A _very_ bad day. One might even be so inclined to say it was an awful, terrible, no-good, very bad day. Why? He had just gotten divorced. Divorced from the one women that kept him from descending into the unending madness that comes along with being a super-hero. Especially one as prolific as Spider-Man is supposed to be. Apparently whatever deity he pissed off, for he has pissed of more than the average mortal, decided it wasn't just enough for him to suffer the miscarriage of his daughter. No, he needed to be thoroughly broken by having the only person in his life that mattered as much as his dear Aunt May, his deceased Uncle Ben and his long-dead first love Gwen Stacy, walk out of his life for the remainder of the all foreseeable future. And if it wasn't enough already, for some reason a savage crimson symbiote was wreaking devastation across the city. Yes, Carnage was back. Despite his grief, Peter dons his signature spandex suit and heads out with the goal of stopping Carnage's rampage.

After arriving at the damaged battle ground, Spider-Man notices that someone had already made it to the scene before him. Upon further inspection, Peter finds to both his dismay and slight relief that it's none other than the immortal Merc with a Mouth, Deadpool. Knowing how unrelenting Carnage is when it comes to fighting, Spidey swings towards the infamous anti-hero to offer some much need assistance.

As the battle rages, the assorted super-powered beings find themselves in front of the Sanctum Sanctorum, home of the Sorcerer Supreme: Dr. Stephen Strange. Deadpool, growing bored with the fight decides to find a mystical weapon to aid his and Spider-Man's battle against the psychotic symbiote. After successfully breaking and entering the magical mansion, the regenerate degenerate snatches a small spell-book before sprinting back outside to end the conflict. Upon arrival, the merc flips the mystical item open to a random page before hurriedly reciting an ominous sounding latin phrase with somewhat disturbing ease.

Immediately after the last syllable of the spell leaves his masked lips, a six foot wide swirling violet vortex, crackling with energy, opens up on the ground in front of him. After gesturing for Spider-Man to lure the insane symbiote towards the 'pit o doom', as Deadpool has taken to calling the ominous looking portal, the masked mercenary blasts the alien with his last sonic emitter, temporarily disabling the suit. As the symbiote receded into its host, Cletus Kassidy was left in its stead. Though before the serial killer could even attempt an escape, a tired Spider-Man stepped up and punched the psychopath in his jaw, effectively incapacitating him.

As the arachnid themed hero began to move to pick up the now unconscious man, Deadpool shoves him out of the way and kicks the downed opponent into the 'pit'. Needless to say, Spider-Man was displeased. Though before the unconscious serial killer can completely vanish inside of the mystical vortex, Spider-Man tags a web-line to his leg in hopes that he hasn't just witnessed an unnecessary death.

The red and blue spandex clad young man begins to pull on the line with a moderate amount of force, though to his surprise, he is slowly being dragged along with his target. Within mere seconds, Carnage disappears completely into the portal, with only the web line attached to his leg still in the hands of one amazing arachnid.

Thirty seconds have passed during Spider-Man's futile tug-o-war session with the mystical portal before the Merc with a Mouth decides to speak up. "Yo! Spidey, I'm pretty sure the crazy symbiote is dead… that being said, ya' know you can let go now right? I mean we did our civil duty, so now it's time for some chimichangas to celebrate! My treat!" says the masked mercenary rather loudly and near the so-called masked menace of New York.

"GAH! Dammit Wade! And no my 'duty' isn't done yet, not until I have done everything in my power to ensure the Cletus is alive! Seriously, are you just gonna stand there and watch or can I get a hand over here!?" replies a slightly surprised and furious Spider-Man.

"You are really lucky I ain't a voyeur, Spidey." muttered the infamous merc.

"Just shut your mouth! I have had a really shitty day and you are one of the last 'people' I want to deal with right now." Spider-Man snaps back.

"Geez...wanna talk bout' it? I haven't really given listening to others a try yet so who knows how this'll go." replies a mildly interested Deadpool.

"I don't know...maybe later. I'm sorry, so can you just help me now, please?" a somewhat downtrodden Spider-Man answers.

And at that, Deadpool grabs onto the line and begins to pull with all of his might. At first glance, it appears that the combined strength of both masked men is enough to pull out the psychopath. Though before either of them can celebrate with a clever quip, the masked duo is yanked violently into the portal. The portal immediately winking out of existence almost instantly.

Needless to say, many of the spectators to the event were speechless. Even in this day and age, it's not common that one gets to bare witness to a hero's demise, let alone two heros and a villain.

Deadpool swore vehemently as he proceeded to fall towards what looked to be a decrepit warehousing district. He knew he had seconds till impact and he'd have to wait horrid hours while his body regenerated from the damage. Then like Wolverine (the short, hairy bastard!) and his adamantium claws, it hit the soldier of fortune. His teleporter! Wade quickly hit the logo/belt buckle and focused his mind's eye on the area he wanted to be; the solid ground he was rapidly approaching. With a red flash and a stolen bamf, he appeared on the ground safely. Wade gave a cheer before dropping to his knees and smooching the concrete he had been standing on moments before.

"Ground! Sweet, safe, non-life threatening ground!" The Crimson Comedian exclaimed with pure joy, not noticing the two figures watching in confusion from the sidelines.

Meanwhile, the arachnid acrobat managed to narrowly escape death, yet again, by swiftly launching a web-line to the nearest high-rise… a building bearing a distinct 'W' logo. "Wha.. I'm not dead? Well, I guess it's better than the alternative, spiders don't have nine-lives. So first things first, where am I? No, wait, more importantly where's Wade?" Spider-Man muttered to himself as he quickly scaled the tower to the highest point and gazed around the city. "Well we ain't in Kansas anymore." he quipped to himself before leaping off the tall building in search of his 'friend'. As Spider-Man vanishes into the darkened city, he fails to notice that a couple of shady individuals have taken off in silent pursuit of the web-slinger.

After quickly traversing ten blocks Spider-Man was confident that wherever Deadpool transported them to, it wasn't New York. His version, or any other he had encountered on one of his many trips through the multiverse, for that matter. Deciding he was long overdue for at least a five minute break the red and blue spandex clad man clambered up the side of a tall apartment building and took a seat on the edge of the structure. After catching his breath, Peter decided it was in his best interest to find the mercenary, as he moved to get up his spider sense blared. Heeding the warning, Peter ducked what appeared to be a stylized shuriken in the shape of a bat, though he couldn't be too sure. Quickly spinning around to face his attacker, Spider-Man was greeted with a harsh looking face half-hidden behind a black cowl mask with, of all things, pointy ears on top.

"Yo! Watch it, I'm sittin' here!" Spider-Man jovially shouted in an over exaggerated New York accent. The brunette was greeted with silence and a stern look before another stylized shuriken was launched his way. Deciding that he should take things a bit more seriously, Peter snatches the projectile out of mid-air and quickly glances at it. Sure enough, it was shaped like a bat. ' _How about that'_ Spider-Man mused internally. This action elicited a small look of visible surprise on the mysterious man's semi-concealed face before it contorted into the stern expression it bore prior to Peter's actions. "Okay, I'm pretty sure your mother taught you that it's wrong to throw sharp things at strangers. So, for the sake of introductions, I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. You got a name?" the wall crawler quipped while snapping the shuriken in two with his bare hands, before assuming a loose stance that showed he wouldn't attack, but he was more than ready definitely react just in case.

"Batman." was the short, gruff reply Spider-Man received. "Should've seen that one coming." Peter muttered under his breath before continuing the exchange. "Okay Batman, I don't want any trouble, so if we could just wrap this up peacefully, I'll be on my merry way and out of your hair. Assuming you have hair, of course. Though nothing's wrong with being bald! A close friend of mine happens to be bald and he kicks major ass for a living." Peter rambled on before Batman cut him off. "Why are you here?" was the terse question Spider-Man received. "Oh, ya' know the old 'my friend opened a transdimensional portal that we got sucked into' bit." the arachnid themed hero answered a little more calmly than any normal person should have been able to.

"Don't lie. Why. Are. You. Here?" spoke a new voice, one that was obviously younger than that of the two men standing on the roof. A young kid, couldn't be more than ten years old, appeared of some shadows behind Batman. He was clad in mainly red light combat armor with green and yellow accents and a matching cape to boot. "Gah! Don't do that!" Spider-Man yelled "Seriously, you could have given me a heartattack. Besides, what's with the get up? You going to a costume party?" Spider-Man added before assuming his loose, yet ready to react, stance.

This only served to anger the kid as he let out a small growl before saving face and tersely answering "Robin."

"Well, Robin, I am serious about being sucked through a transdimensional with a friend o'mine. Swearsies." Spider-Man stated while holding out his left pinky as if to make a pinky promise with the young boy. "If you don't get that finger out of my face I am going to break it. In the most painful way imaginable." the young acrobat all but snarled at the spandex clad buffoon. Noting Spider-Man's slight hesitation, Batman spoke up, "He will." and at that the pinky was lowered and something was muttered under the breath of the fully masked man. "Sorry about your friend, but you need to come with us so we can all sort this out." the Dark Knight added.

"I can tell that you guys only want to get to the bottom of this, but I _really_ need to find my friend before he gets caught up in something. Why don't you and Jr. go on home, it's late and by the looks of it he should be in school or something tomorrow… unless you guys don't have public education here. Please tell me you do. I deal with enough idiots as it is." Spider-Man rambled as he prepared to take off once more into the inky blackness of the night.

"We can't let you go." Robin snapped. "So we're coming with you." Batman finished in a tone that left no room for argument. Seeing as how he could always escape the caped duo should the need arise, Peter reluctantly allowed them to tag-along. "Try and keep up! Last thing I need to do is babysit a father and son duo with _way_ too much time on their hands." the arachnid themed hero spouted before fearlessly diving off the edge of the roof.

As he was more focused on attaching a web-line, Spider-Man failed to notice the annoyed looks and glares the strangely clad duo shot at him before they to leaped off the building and fired grappling guns towards distant rooftops.

Deadpool was faring fairly well, considering that he was fighting two weird, yet gorgeous women. "Stand still will ya'! It's not like I'm trying to kill you!" shrieked a pale blonde women in a rather revealing outfit that consisted of corset and a frilly skirt, both of which were decked out in red and black. "Are you sure? I mean you have that giant fucking hammer and are taking some pretty aggressive swings with that bad boy. Seriously, I'm not one for whack-a-mole when I'm the mole!" Wade shot back as he dodged yet another heavy attack, all of his attention (which isn't a lot) focused on the scantily clad clown girl.

Due to this, the mercenary failed to notice the other scantily clad woman (this one in some kinky green lingerie) who threw a hand full of small seeds in his general direction. Upon making contact with the ground they erupted into a mess of vines (giant, scary, prickly vines). Upon noticing this new development, Deadpool quickly unsheathed his twin adamantium katanas and exclaimed. "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is gonna go, and I'm not for it!" Harley heard this and snickered a bit, as she couldn't ignore the obvious humor of the mysterious man's current predicament.

The two females watched as he continued to cut down the large deadly fauna, all whilst he stated "No means no!"

"How dare you murder my children you filthy monkey! You'll learn your place soon enough!" Poison Ivy screamed as she finally managed to pin down the eccentric mercenary with a plethora of thick vines. What the femme fatales seemed to forget in their haste to subdue the mysterious man was his power to teleport.

A sudden bamf was heard, before Deadpool cooed softly into the green skinned woman's ear "Miss me?". Harley just couldn't contain the insane laughter that escaped her plump lips as Ivy jumped away in surprise. "GAH! Get away you vile buffoon!" Pamela yelled after quickly regaining her composure from the mild scare. As she finished berating him, the green skinned villainess summoned more vines, but unlike before, this new group of tendrils lacked thorns. In their place were beautiful, yet suspicious looking, pink flowers. As the plants crept towards the completely unaware mercenary, they began to emit a strange pollen. "Uhhh… is it nappy-time already mama?" a severely disorientated Wade hesitantly asked, straining to keep his eyes open. "Why yes it is." replied an almost sickly sweet, yet strangely seductive, feminine voice belonging to none other than Poison Ivy. Upon noticing that the man was still clinging to consciousness, Ivy motioned for the jester-like woman to come forth with her oversized mallet, "Please take care of this for me Harley." was all that the Deadpool heard before a harsh and audible thwack ushered him into unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

Batman and Robin quickly caught up to the web-slinger and asked him to stop on a nearby building, after a few minutes spent following the spandex clad man. "Hey Spider-Freak, park it on the next roof top!" Robin called out, still peeved from the father son comment. Parker sighed and reluctantly did as he was told, knowing co-operation made situations like this go by faster and far easier than anything else.

"Ok, So what did you two want? I really gotta find my friend before he does something incredibly stupid." The acrobatic arachnid stated once all persons involved were settled on a rooftop of another apartment building.

The dark knight slowly approached the wall-crawler after retrieving a small item from his utility belt. "Well first things first, we have other business to attend to. I trust you enough to leave you on your own, for now that is. Here, this is so we can meet up later. Just activate the signal and we'll come to you and finish up this conversation." Batman replied as he handed him a bat-shaped device with a small, softly glowing red button located in the center.

"Ooh, lemme' guess, it's a Bat-Tracer?" Spider-Man asked giddily, the prospect of tinkering with new technology was just too exciting.

"Er, yes, it is. Now, go find your friend. We'll talk later." the bat-themed vigilante answered before nodding stiffly at his young compatriot and leaping into the inky darkness of the night. Robin was only mere seconds behind, as he took a moment to send a cold glare towards the arachnid. To his annoyance and slight anger, Spider-Man only waved back before swinging off in the opposite direction.

"Okay, if I was a Wade, where would I be?" Peter muttered to himself as he swung sharply around a corner, immediately taking note of the effeminate shriek crying out for help that came from nearby. 'Damn. Well I guess ya' gotta wait Wade, can't leave damsels in distress.' the masked menace of New York thought as he headed towards the disturbance. Arriving to his destination easily within half a minute, the wall-crawler stopped at the edge of the roof overlooking the crowded alleyway.

There were eight men total, each clad in garish looking clown masks and wielding some kind of melee weapon, except for the largest who happened to possess a military grade assault rifle. Peter couldn't determine the exact model, not from lack of knowledge, but from the fact that the man wielding it would not stop pacing around, appearing almost nervous.

"Jus' give us tha' money an' tha' jewels an' ya' can leave wit' ya' life! Or would ya' rather party wit' me an' my boys?" Snarled the thug closest to the trapped woman. She looked like your average middle aged woman, loose fitting blue jeans, tennis shoes, a light jacket, a purse and jewelry bag clutched towards her chest. "Seriously, we ain't playin' around here!" another goon chipped in.

"P-please just leave me alone. I don't want any trouble!" the unnamed woman cried out once more.

"Then give up tha' goods n' git outta here!" the gun-toting man towards the back of the group shouted.

Before anyone could react an odd figure dropped down from, seemingly, out of nowhere. "Yo guys, I'm pretty sure she said she doesn't want any trouble, so why don't you pack it up and go home? I would really hate to beat you guys. Severely. I don't like rapists, wannabes or not." The red and blue clad figure spoke in a rather laid back manner. At the man's final words, the large gun-toting thug yelled. "Get 'im!"

Wasting no time at all the other goons crept towards the mysterious masked man menacingly, uttering various insults as they readied their weapons. "Hey, miss, you might want to stand back and find some cover, this is going to get ugly. Like these guys!" Peter whispered to the obviously frightened woman. She only nodded in reply before ducking behind a nearby dumpster.

"Alright, which one of you losers is first?" Spider-Man asked in a teasing tone, instantly annoying the approaching aggressors. Not bothering to even grunt at him, one of the men swung his bat towards the red and blue spandex clad vigilante. The arachnid hero swiftly ducked, only to spring back up and deliver a devastating kick to the thug's rather frail jaw. "Who else wants a piece!? How about…you!" Spider-Man nearly shouted, his gaze locked on an approaching goon. "Get over here!" With this, he snagged the poor man with a web line and yanked him into a vicious uppercut effectively taking out the attacker.

At this point some of the clown rejects were having second thoughts about trying to beat this guy, seeing as he just disposed of two of their more foolhardy comrades in mere seconds. "Screw this man, I was just in it for the cash! I'm outta here!" one man practically screamed before making a desperate dash for the alley's exit. He never made it, as the only gun-toting goon pumped three bullets into his back. "NO! We finish 'im then we take the broad hostage! You want out, well there's only one way out, and it ain't alive!" the de facto leader growled to the remaining members of the group.

Stunned silent for a brief moment, Peter realized with a growing sense of guilt that he should have taken out the man with the gun before engaging the others. 'Great, another life lost on account of me joking around. Damn, I really need to take these guys more seriously.' Not bothering with pointless banter, the spandex clad hero dispatched the remaining thugs with the utmost prejudice. In a matter of seconds (and a flurry of kicks and punches) the criminals were left unconscious and subdued by webbing. The hero even went so far as to deliver an extra kick to the downed gunman's ribs, as he was still struggling somewhat in his bonds.

"Miss, it's alright now. Uh, if you would be so kind as to call the police," Spider-Man spoke as he checked the pulse of the man shot, it took a few seconds to find as it was fairly weak. "and an ambulance! He's still alive!". Crouching down and carefully lifting up the back of the unnamed man's jacket and shirt, Peter carefully webbed up the trio of wounds before applying pressure. "Hey, er, if your done over there, I could use some help." Spider-Man asked in an urgent tone. "O-okay." was the meek reply the woman offered before kneeling down next to the strange vigilante and placing both her hands over the remaining wound.

Not one to waste an opportunity to gather knowledge or run his mouth, Peter couldn't help but ask in a light manner "So, you come here often?". "I live here. What's it to you?" was her short response. "Oh, I'm just wondering where I'm at 'cause it obviously ain't New York." was Peter's reply, as he looked at her face and the somewhat bewildered expression it bore. "Uh ya know, the Big Apple, the Empire State, home of Big L and Biggie?"

She looked at him as if he had lost his mind. "Of course it's not, this is Gotham, we're in New Jersey." The lense of the mask widened and he muttered quietly. "So I'm in hell…great." The woman had barely opened her mouth, as if to offer a retort, before she was cut off by the blaring sirens of the arriving combination of police and paramedics. The injured thug was quickly rushed away from them and into the care of the waiting ambulance, as the unconscious web-bound men that littered the alleyway were retrieved by the GCPD officers.

"Well, now that that is taken care of, I guess I'll be off!" shouted a quickly retreating Spider-Man. The astonished would-be victim could only ask in astonishment, "But wait, who are you!" as she watched the wall-crawler leap into the air. "Oh, little ole me, well I am just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!" was his overly cheerful reply as he shot out a strand of webbing and swung off into the night once more. "I have to move before this city drives me insane." the damsel no-longer-in-distress murmured to herself, as she was escorted by a female officer towards a cruiser, almost completely oblivious to the questions directed her way.

'Now that that is taken care of, I can resume my search for Wade.' a reinvigorated Peter Parker thought as he began the search for his 'friend' anew. He swung around the vast majority of the city for nearly two hours, once again finding no signs of the insane mercenary. Though the fruitless search didn't render the night a complete waste. Spider-Man had managed to break up a fair amount of muggings and other petty crimes. Sitting atop another rooftop of a run-down building, the spandex wearing hero suddenly remembers the bat-tracer sitting in his utility belt. Peter sighs as he pulls out the bat themed piece of technology and activates the signal.

While waiting for the strange duo to appear, Peter decides to further examine the tracer, noting that the technology, while similar to his own spider-tracers, is distinctly different. Whether it is superior to his technology or not remains unknown. A short but audible grunt pulls Peter from his pondering as he jumps up, frightened ever so slightly. "Hey what did I tell you about sneaking up on people! Seriously, where are your manners Batman?" Spider-Man says in a tone signaling his minor annoyance.

"Anyway, did you find your friend?" Was the grunt the met the spandex wearing vigilante. "Uh, no, I didn't so…what do I do now? It's not like I can just spend my entire time looking for him, I gotta sleep sometime am I right? Speaking of sleeping, uh, do you guys know anyplace I could stay?" Spider-Man rambled on until he was interrupted by an aggravated Robin. "Shut up already you infernal idiot!" The young boy nearly yelled at the interdimensional interloper before turning to address his 'partner', "There is no way I am tolerating his presence longer than absolutely needed. Either set him up in a safe house somewhere or send him to the league and let them deal with him." And with that, Robin remained silent, only offering a stiff glare at the masked imbecile in front of him.

"As Robin so eloquently put it, we have two choices, neither of which I am happy to make. However, seeing as you are in fact from another dimension, I have no choice but to inform the league about this. I'll schedule a meeting between you and them soon, but until then I can set you up in a empty safe house. Follow us." Batman said with no small amount of reluctance in his voice as he moved towards the edge of the building with a visibly upset Robin in tow. The two quickly launched off the roof and fired grappling hooks to the nest building, heading off with so much as a glance back at their companion.

The arachnid themed hero shrugged at the fact he was left behind and did as asked, following the two vigilantes into the city, executing flips and other acrobatic moves as he swung to catch up.

 **Author's Note:** Sorry for the lengthy period between updates, but we warned that this would be updated randomly until completed. Now as for what took so long with this chapter, it was primarily two things, slight creative differences (this particular chapter was re-written over three times until we agreed upon it's current state), and attempts at editing. Hopefully we'll have the next chapter up sometime within the next month or two, but please don't hold your breath in anticipation, as it happens to be the final forty days of school and things are getting rather hectic with ACT, SAT, AP, and EOC testing right around the corner. We'd like to thank everyone who has favorited, followed, or reviewed this story so far and we would love to hear your feedback. Drop a review or PM and we'll respond to any inquiries.

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